Vulnerability

So today I was told "I gave permission to others to be vulnerable by my being vulnerable", at least that is my version of what he said!

I then asked someone else what he thought as he happened to be the next person I saw to speak to and although he didn't agree totally I think he understood and agreed in principle - I think!

But this vulnerability word keeps coming to my attention and so thought I would blog about it tonight as at home on my own - vulnerable!! I love my own company but since my eldest daughter moved out and my youngest has a boyfriend I am often on my own and actually don't like it all the time.

So how and where am I vulnerable, - always vulnerable at work as cuts can hit anyone of us at any point, vulnerable because I share who I am up to a point with students and colleagues. Vulnerable where I am on curacy because I am new, and don't know the politics and friendship groups, vulnerable because I don't know everything I am supposed to do yet, vulnerable when forming new friendships because I haven't allowed myself to form new friendships very much in the past few years, due to not liking the feeling when yet another person disappears! Not that many people have done in the past, but that feeling is crap... and so I put up a barrier!

However, I have found myself letting down that barrier just recently and now want to put it back up and hide behind it, but not sure if I can or how I can. I am 'super sensitive' to moods or lack of communication and I always think I read stuff into things that aren't there! I hate the politics of who I can speak to or who I shouldn't speak to in any situation but especially in a christian setting. I am quite an open person, but when I feel like this, I want to close myself off from everyone to avoid being hurt. And that is the problem, I don't want to get hurt again, get to a point where I go into depression again, or feel that the barrier will not go up again when I need it to!!

this is really not a good place!!