new blogsite

have decided to go to word press for my blog instead of blogger, well I'm trying it out at least!

http://dotsters.wordpress.com/

feelings

Feelings I have decided, need to be kept in check,
like a prisoner in chains,
a little give and take is fine
but no longer than it takes to say hello goodbye!

Feelings I have decided need to be kept under control
like a bowl being filled up with water
just enough to carry without spilling
and overflowing everywhere

Feelings I have decided are not good
but unfortunately my feelings do not like being kept
under control, or in chains
and so I need to deal with
the messiness and the hurt my feelings sometimes cause to others
but usually the messiness and hurt they cause in me... Feelings!

Vulnerability

So today I was told "I gave permission to others to be vulnerable by my being vulnerable", at least that is my version of what he said!

I then asked someone else what he thought as he happened to be the next person I saw to speak to and although he didn't agree totally I think he understood and agreed in principle - I think!

But this vulnerability word keeps coming to my attention and so thought I would blog about it tonight as at home on my own - vulnerable!! I love my own company but since my eldest daughter moved out and my youngest has a boyfriend I am often on my own and actually don't like it all the time.

So how and where am I vulnerable, - always vulnerable at work as cuts can hit anyone of us at any point, vulnerable because I share who I am up to a point with students and colleagues. Vulnerable where I am on curacy because I am new, and don't know the politics and friendship groups, vulnerable because I don't know everything I am supposed to do yet, vulnerable when forming new friendships because I haven't allowed myself to form new friendships very much in the past few years, due to not liking the feeling when yet another person disappears! Not that many people have done in the past, but that feeling is crap... and so I put up a barrier!

However, I have found myself letting down that barrier just recently and now want to put it back up and hide behind it, but not sure if I can or how I can. I am 'super sensitive' to moods or lack of communication and I always think I read stuff into things that aren't there! I hate the politics of who I can speak to or who I shouldn't speak to in any situation but especially in a christian setting. I am quite an open person, but when I feel like this, I want to close myself off from everyone to avoid being hurt. And that is the problem, I don't want to get hurt again, get to a point where I go into depression again, or feel that the barrier will not go up again when I need it to!!

this is really not a good place!!

a new term

Yesterday saw the first meeting of our new freshers on our Christian Youth Work Programme at the University of Chester. As always it was a joy and delight to meet them again as we always interview them due to it being a professional and vocational course. We even met in the chaplaincy tipi for one of the sessions, as it was there and free - that was also good as it was trying to encourage them to be out of the box in their thinking and attitude to youth work, but good because the tipi is awesome!!

Later in the afternoon I was the cantor at the evensong where three people were being installed as canons at the Cathedral in Chester. Two of them I knew and it was a real privilege to see them being recognised for their hard work in the diocese, on a lay canon and one an honorary canon. It was only my 2nd time of being cantor and when I saw the amount of people it was a little scary!!!. but it went fine and folk were pleased with how I had done, which was good to hear!

The big thing on my mind as we start a new academic year is change! Change is all around us, at home, work, church, the government. Change is one of the hardest things to cope with when you are not the one facilitating change, and usually I cope quite well with it, however when change is change because it suits one group of people who are 'in charge' and not the recipients of the change I think it is a different matter. This is what I am struggling with at the moment. People who do not understand the logistics and issues involved, but think because they are in some sort of power it automatically gives them insights are trying to impose changes that most if not all the recipients of this change will not actually want the changes nor will it benefit them!! Youth work in this county is changing because of people in power - when will politicians ever learn? Money talks, unfortunately!

How do we stand firm against the powers that be?

And for those who read this and think you know what I am talking about, be careful what you assume! You might be right, BUT you may well be wrong! Assuming things makes an ass out of you and me, and that is never a good thing is it?!

Sorry really does seem to be the hardest word!!

having got up again far too early on a day when I didn't need to I thought I would catch up on some of my blog reading! The first one I read was Lesley's blog about apologies. This resonated with me as I am sometimes surprised at how people treat others and even when they are challenged about their behaviour/attitude/how they spoke to someone would never dream of saying sorry.

Some of this could be about their own insecurities, which comes across in arrogance and therefore couldn't possibly be wrong, some of it could be that they don't understand the 'healing' and reconciliation that an apology brings, because they have never experienced it. For others though, it does come from a deep seated arrogance that the individual is right, regardless of what is correct or loving.

I know some folk who can get upset when they have been hurt and they want an apology, but when it is them doing the hurting, it is seen as 'being needed to have been said', and they do that because it is their way....

The Gospels tell us to: Love God, love your neighbour/enemy/ as you love yourself. Do good to those that hurt you, forgive 70x7. As a follower of Christ, who frequently gets it wrong, I hope that I apologise when I get things wrong, when I do something that upsets or hurts someone else, that way I am trying to love my neighbour as myself as I would want that apology.

Let's stop this blame culture in the church, let's try to focus on God, bringing honour not dishonour, bringing peace not conflict.

Ordained!!

well 4th July came and with it so much joy, blessings, friends and family and peace. The culmination of many years wondering if ordination was the right thing for me or not. Being me, nothing ever seems to be straight forward and the journey was a long one, but one in which I learnt so much about myself that I wouldn't really change much - just the odd thing!

And now? well having been ordained only a week, I can say I feel at peace about it all - good job really!! I'm loving being at Chester Cathedral and have had such a lovely welcome from so many people. My first sunday was tiring, so many people coming to talk to me and two services plus the choristers end of year buffet lunch and prize giving.

At the beginning of my 2nd week, Gen Synod agreed women bishops would go ahead, but the joy is tinged with sadness because of some 'traditionalist's who feel they haven't been listened too and that their theology has not been understood. I do feel that people have actively listened but their perspective is different from those who are not in favour of women being ordained, let alone become bishops.

when teaching my students one of the things I stress is that even though we are all different we are there because we want to love and serve God. Our experience and perspective will be very different but that is totally right as God has made us completely unique. What we need to do is challenge inequality and injustice, while still loving God with every ounce of our being and loving our neighbours and enemies as we love ourselves - just as Jesus did.

new era!

having had my two daughters with me for all their lives, it seems to be the beginning of the end! My eldest daughter suddenly announced a few weeks ago she 'thought it was the best thing for her to move out of home and to move an hour away (min) to live with her fiance and another friend.

She then told me this afternoon they might be moving in as early as Friday - this has left me feeling quite upset, but she has to live her own life and make her own mistakes. But oh how hard it is to sit back and watch....

will be interesting to see how it feels for Nikki and I and how Katie copes and feels in a few weeks

work?

having been away from work for 5 weeks, and due to go to the Dr's on monday am really not sure about what I want to happen! Originally the Dr had said he was going to give me 4 weeks off, but I nearly hit the roof when he said that!

I have had another osteopath appointment on thursday which was a good session as I could move better after it, but yesterday my back was quite painful as I was walking. Today it seems better again! My cold has now changed to sinusitis, which is painful but can cope better with sinusitis than back pain!

My mood? well having discovered that my income and expenditure are far too close for comfort in that there is no spare money for anything, am struggling again. I was feeling bad about going back to work and wondering why I bother - all the work, and so little to show for it! Always struggling to pay the bills and no 'cushion' to fall back on when something goes wrong.

I know God is there and I will 'testify' to that fact - but I just don't know where God is in it all today.... most of the time it doesn't matter, but sometimes it does and today it does!

pain and apathy

so the back is still bad - painkillers and another trip to the osteopath are helping but signed off til Tuesday now even though on annual leave. I was supposed to be on Easter School for ordination training, but it would have been too much, so had to get a 'fit' note.

the problem with feeling the way I do is that there is a real sense of apathy, which I haven't had for many years and not sure how to get out of this!. Thinking of work doesn't fill me with much joy at the moment which is worrying as I normally love my work, but things are changing and I don't necessarily think they are for the better. This is what is worrying me, change is good, but not when people are being treated badly in the process.

Process is all well and good when it is followed properly - if it has to be followed! But when process happens but badly that is when there is a problem. Normally I want to fight against injustice as that is something that is one of my core values, but at the moment it is too hard to fight feeling the way I do! So I am hoping for some renewal in myself in the next three or four days!

why does it always happen in annual leave?

So why is it that when you are on annual leave, illness or something else goes wrong? This week as I am trying to relax and spend some time with friends and doing stuff in the house, my back goes! So a trip to the osteopath and a few ice packs later it is easing, BUT still painful!

I am taking annual leave due to needing some space and time to relax and to stop my head whirling round and making some things too big to cope with. If that had happened it would be great, but things in work just carry on and decisions are made that make me quite angry due to injustice. I sometimes think that some people make decisions because of the power trip it gives them.

I hope I never forget to be compassionate rather than being focused on process and rules.

90th birthday celebrations and family

what an interesting weekend we have just had! My Mum was 90 today and she had a lovely afternoon and evening yesterday with lots of her old friends plus all but 5 of her family being there, 57 of them! We also had lunch out today about 16 of us, all 5 of her daughters and a few of the grand children and great grand children.

I often think about our family and how different we are although there are some similarities! But it is fascinating how some physical features go across families and also some personality traits. Some good and some not as good! Control is a big thing in our family and my mum is the epitome of someone who likes to be in control even at 90! I wasn't really doing the whole let's pretend I am an extrovert this weekend as I really had no energy to pretend and so I didn't, which was quite liberating! It happens with the family as some think I am an extrovert because I can put on a mask and 'pretend', but then I need to go away and be on my own for quite a while to recharge my batteries!

I think it is amazing that my mum has reached 90 and hope she carries on living for quite a while yet!

prayers - Thanks be to God

today I prayed.... nothing unusual in that really, but today the two 'big' prayers were answered positively in the same day!

One 'big' prayer was not that big really, but it was big for the person involved, and it has given me something to think about for the future.

The other was big and all I could really pray was that God would really intervene in the situation as I did not have the words really. I am not for one moment saying it was 'my' prayer that got answered because many many people have been praying.

The second situation has made me angry, frustrated, helpless, astonished and many other adjectives that perhaps aren't really repeatable or even said! When Christians treat other Christians in ways that are not showing the love of God to the other and don't seem to be aware of the responsibility they have to the other it does make me angry! I think it might make God angry also - especially when remembering Matt 25....

Another great thing that happened was that I got chatting to someone who had lost their job twice, but looks like it has all worked out for the best... God answering prayer again and giving me hope too!

Sunday evening in Liverpool

on a walk with folk from Dream on Sunday evening looking for places where God was in the city, hope in dark places, places that needed healing.... it was quite awesome and fantastic to be back 'home' as that is what it felt like that - thanks!

Plan B

we were looking at the beattitudes this morning and I got some inspiration from the book Plan B for the theme which was happiness! I was not very happy at the beginning as there were things going wrong that I had not picked up on during the putting together of the presentation. I was slightly stressed due to people only getting there just on time for the service to start, which meant I was still trying to finalise the last details as the service was due to start.

So at the beginning of a service on happiness I was stressed and unhappy! But giving it to God, meant I got through it and so many people said they got a lot from it, even those who knew what we doing.

I have also become even more aware this past week that negativity is not a good place to be working from and that I do not function in an atmosphere of negativity. This link from Dream reminded me of this issue and how much we need to be aware of our attitude to people. Plan B is a way to transform our lives and our understanding of what it means to be a Christ follower. I recommend Plan B and Dream to you all